Million little lights
by thesewomenrulemyworld
Summary: "We're born with millions of little lights shining in the dark, one lights up, every time you feel love in your heart, one dies when it moves away". Maura has to be a hero for Dylan, because her mother can't.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: I had this idea in my mind for a long time and I desperately wanted to try it. It will be angst, but I don't think you will cry…

Jane and Maura aren't dating, still best friends.

[Warning: Next chapters will contain main character's death]

—-

**CHAPTER 1:**

A cry woke Jane up.

"Uhmmm," she slowly rose from the bed, trying not to wake up Maura, who was lying next to her. Jane walked to the baby crib and took crying Dylan to her arms.

"Ssssssh sweetheart, what's up?" she whispered and held Dylan closer to her chest. She walked around with her, rocking her baby in her embrace, silently watching Maura.

Jane was overtaken with memories. _She remembered the beginning of her last trimester. That was when Maura suggested for Jane to move in with her - just because she could help Jane better. So Jane did. She spent most of her time either in BPD or at Maura's anyway. And when Jane started having rough nights because of her pregnancy, Maura suggested for her to sleep with her in her king sized bed. So Jane did. And stayed there even after the baby was born. And even after nine months. Just because it felt right and Maura wanted her there._

_Jane smiled at the memory of her going to labor. She woke up in the middle of the night, panicking, but Maura got the situation and everything was fine. She also held Jane's hand through the labor (and got a bone broken from the strong grip, but Jane will never find out about that) and stood by her when Jane held her beautiful baby for the first time. Maura was there when Dylan cried every two hours in the night. Maura helped to change the diapers, feed the baby and run the household. Maura and Dylan were the only people who got through all Jane's steel walls._

Jane put sleeping Dylan to the crib and crawled to the bed again.

—

Maura woke up and quick glance at the alarm told her it was 8:17. She noticed that there's a Jane's arm wrapped around her. It didn't surprise her, it happened to them all the time since their first "sleepover". That made Maura smile. "Are we having a sleepover or is this your way of telling me you're attracted to me?". She didn't tell Jane then and she didn't tell her at any of their following sleepovers. She was so afraid she would lose her best friend that she just kept her mouth shut. Even though she knew this was love and not just a crush. If they gave it a chance, they could be everything either of them ever wanted. But there was the fear…

Maura carefully watched Jane's sleeping face. She looked so peaceful that Maura couldn't tear her eyes off her. Suddenly Jane stirred and cracked one eye open.

"Morning." she said in deep sleepy voice and buried her face to a pillow.

"Good morning Jane," Maura whispered with a chuckle. "Have you slept well? I didn't hear Dylan crying this night?"

"Well she did and she did so twice."  
"Oh I'm sorry!"  
"Why, you weren't crying…" Jane lifted her head from the pillow and grinned at Maura.

"I could have taken care of it-"  
"Maur', it's okay, really."

Maura smiled at Jane with relief in her eyes.

"Isn't today your free day off work?" Jane asked.

"It is."  
"I thought that I could go to work on Friday instead of tod-"  
"You don't have to be there every week Jane, you know that and Sergeant Korsak have told you so eleven times already."

"It's only one or two days a week Maura, come on!"

Raised voice woke Dylan up from sleep and she started crying. Maura immediately got up from the bed, went for Dylan and put her between herself and Jane on the bed. Then she rolled onto her side and played with her, not aware of Jane's loving gaze on her.

"I thought about going to a park today?" Jane suggested, her voice a little less husky from the sleep.

"I think that's a good idea." Maura finally lifted her gaze and met Jane's eyes with so much love in them that she thought she must be still asleep dreaming.

"Wanna handle the kid or breakfast?" Jane smirked while getting out of the bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Maura could only giggle when she saw Jane with Dylan in her arms, spinning around and making the little girl give a toothless laugh. Jane sat on the bench next to Maura with a loud exhale. Maura tickled Dylan lightly and got one of the cutest laughing noises out of her.

"She is just so beautiful, Jane. I can't get enough of her."  
"Yeah, me neither." Jane grinned and placed a kiss on top of Dylan's head. "She's a treasure."

"Awww, Jane," Maura said and tilted her head to the side.

"What? You gave me the same face when I told you about the BCU – what does this mean?"

"It's just… You are so soft behind all those walls…" Maura said shyly.

"Well, thank you Dr. Isles for such a deep insight into my badass soul." Jane teased to which Maura could only laugh in response.

"You're impossible."

Jane stood up with Dylan and made a bow, just to make Maura laugh again.

Suddenly there was a loud sound of shooting and people yelling.

Jane stiffened and turned her eyes to the source. Another shooting. She quickly handed Dylan to Maura.

"Jane? What-" Maura stuttered, but took Dylan.

Jane reached for her gun at her waist.

"Jane, no, please!"  
"Maura, I have to keep Dylan and you safe. I can't allow either of you getting hurt."  
"I can't lose you either Jane, please!" Maura pleaded, her voice desperate.

"I have to Maur…"  
"Please be careful," Maura whispered in broken voice, put her hand on Jane's face and pulled her in for a kiss. Their first kiss on the lips – they have kissed before, but on forehead or cheeks, not romantic kisses like this one was.

Jane was surprised and fear flashed through her eyes as she pulled away and ran off with gun in her hand.


	3. Chapter 3

Jane was surprised by the kiss and fear flashed through her eyes as she pulled away and ran off with gun in her hand.

Maura pulled Dylan closer and tried to cover her ears. "It will be okay sweetheart," she whispered over and over again as she rocked her. She heard people yelling and Jane shouting, but couldn't decipher what. Another shootings. And voice of… Sgt Korsak? Another two shootings. And then loud painful scream of… of Jane.

"NO!" Maura yelled and ran towards the direction Jane ran before.

Once she turned behind the corner, she saw the scene. Four bodies on the ground, two men, one old woman and one dark haired detective.

Maura saw Sgt. Korsak few steps from Jane – she ran towards him and put Dylan into his arms. He accepted without asking.

Maura fell on her knees next to Jane's lifeless body and caught her hand. With the other hand she turned Jane's face towards herself.

"Jane! Jane, please!"

She put her hand on the bleeding wound in Jane's chest.

"Please stay with me! Jane, please! I can't lose you again, I just can't… Please… I love you…" Maura whispered and broke into crying.

She didn't hear all the chatter around. She wouldn't even notice the arrival of 911, if one medic didn't pull her up. She didn't remember how she managed it, but she drove with Jane in the ambulance, not letting go of her hand. They separated her from Jane only after they arrived to the hospital.

* * *

So there she sat, on a bench in the hospital, head in her hands, sobbing uncontrollably, waiting for what felt like days.

"Maura!" the voice of Angela had been filled with fear, surprise and relief, all at once.

Maura looked up but she didn't see much through the tears and swollen eyes.

Angela tried to hug her.

"No, please." Maura pulled away. "I don't like to be hugged when I'm very upset."

"I know, I remember that." Angela whispered sadly.

So they sat next to each other, Maura shaking with in-held cries.

* * *

"Ladies, I'm sorry, but I have to ask you to leave."

Angela nodded and rose from the bench.

"I-I'm Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Please, let me stay." Maura pleaded the nurse.

"Okay, you can stay," the nurse allowed after a while of consideration, "but the lady-"

Angela nodded, said goodnight to Maura and left.

Maura exhaled and looked at the nurse. "Thank you…. How… How is the situation?"

"Not good, honestly. The operation will be over soon though and we will let you into her room. I will come for you then."  
"Thank you," Maura whispered and crumbled on the bench.

* * *

"The doctors did everything they could, they had to stabilize her in preparation of another operation in the morning." the nurse informed Maura as she was accompanying her to Jane's room.

"Thank you," Maura nodded goodbye when the nurse finished, and entered Jane's room.

The sight in front of her brought tears to her eyes again. Jane lying there, looking fragile and unnaturally pale.

Maura sat on the chair next to Jane's bed and took Jane's hand between her own. She was cold, but the machine beeped characteristically, which meant that Jane was alive. Maybe not awake yet, but alive.

"Jane please, don't leave me. I can't watch you leave again. It's all coming back to me now, like the first time… I remember how I felt when I held your bleeding wound all those years before… I felt so helpless, it was so much worse than all those lonely years before that… You were dying in my arms and I wished we could just… trade places... I knew I wouldn't stand up again, not without you. But you were so brave and fought… and won. Please, fight hard now, as hard as possible. Please, Jane… Do it for Dylan… Remember that cute laugh of hers… She needs you, maybe more than I do… Jane, please… I'm cursing myself for not telling you how much I love you. You deserve the world, Jane… Please hold on, don't give up… I wish I could have protected you… Or stopped you… We could have run away and everything would be fine… What if-…. what if I lose you?" Maura stopped, because she was choking on her cries.

"J-jane… You know I don't believe in God, but for the second time in my life, I pray. Oh how hard I pray. I pray for everything to be okay again… Please, baby, fight for Dylan and me, do it for us… We have to teach Dylan everything… Remember yesterday? How we tried to teach her to say 'Ma'? We will succeed one day, I promise! And we will teach her how to walk, so she can run to our bed on lazy Sundays, waking us up. And you will take her to Red Sox matches and I will try to braid her unruly hair – it will look like yours, I can already tell. And I can already see you teaching her how to drive on Bass – eventhough I forbid you that." Maura chuckled lightly and squeezed Jane's hand.

"And I will tell you how much you mean to me and how much I love you. Maybe you will give me a chance and we will be a true family… Sometimes I think you feel the same, Jane. Like today morning, I saw deep affection in your eyes, when you looked at me. Or when I wake up wrapped in your arms, or when we hang out together, or when you call me nicknames or when you tease me or how you always try to make me laugh. Or all those subtle touches. With every one, I hoped you feel the same, but didn't dare to say anything. And now I regret every little chance I had and didn't take..."

By this point, Maura was exhausted by all the tears and heavy feelings. She put her head on the bed next to Jane and let the beeping machine put her into sleep.


	4. Choice

AN: Hi, you all. Thank you so much for follows and favourites and reviews, I appreciate that very much!

Now, because some of you didn't want the angst I was going to write. So I made two continuations and you can choose which one you will continue reading.

**So, if you're content with angst **(lots of angst)**, continue with THIS story.**

**If you want happier fic, go THERE - s/10586610/1/Million-little-lights-don-t-let-her-go (my profile, fanfic "Million little lights - Don't let her go)  
**

I hope I did a right thing. ;)

**P.S.: Please, bear with me, now I have to write TWO fics, so I may have longer delays, but I will try to post every few days, I promise! **


	5. Chapter 4

She didn't wake up when the doctors took Jane to the operating room in the morning. She woke up repositioned on the chair with blanket over her. She glanced around the room confused, but then the reality hit her hard. She shook off the blanket and got out of the room to find a nurse.

"Hello, I'm Maura Isles, I'm here with Jane Rizzoli, can I ask where she is or how is she doing?"

"Of course, let me find her nurse."

Not even three minutes passed when the yesterday nurse appeared.

"Goodmorning Dr. Isles. Jane's being operated again, you will have to wait here, okay? Maybe get some coffee and something to eat from the vending machine in the first floor corridor?" Nurse offered with slight smile.

Maura tried to smile and went for the coffee. She drank it quickly, but couldn't even think about eating. She was feeling terrible. Afraid and nervous.

She sat on a bench in the corridor and fell into trance. Her mind blank.

* * *

"Maura Isles?"

Calling of her name broke Maura from the trance. Her eyes searched the nurse's. There was nothing good in them.

"I'm very very sorry, but Jane couldn't make it. The doctors did everything they could, but the bullet shot through her lung and-"

Maura lifted her hand to stop the nurse. She stopped listening to her after her first sentence anyway.

_'__It can't be true. Just can't. I refuse to believe she didn't make it…'_

Maura looked again at the nurse, who looked very compassionately back at her.

With that Maura rose up and ran from the hospital.

It was like she got through three stages of the Kübler-Ross model all until she got home. She denied the truth in the hospital, she drove angrily for the first few minutes in the car and she tortured herself with „I would do anything for being there instead of her. I would do anything to take this back and protect her, to stop her from giving up her life so soon…".

And after she closed the door of her house, depression hit her hard. She crumbled to the floor, not even bothering to go and lay on the couch. She just broke down with heavy sobs right behind her threshold.

* * *

When Maura opened her eyes, she realized she had fallen asleep again. And she was thankful. The reality was just too much to cope with.

She stood up from the floor and went to take a shower. After that she sat on the couch and stared into space. There was silence. Painful silence. There had always been some noise since Jane moved in. Not anymore.  
Suddenly a knock broke the torturing quietness.

"Maura?" Maura would never mistake the voice of Angela Rizzoli.

It hit her. _'Does she know? Did they call her from the hospital or should I tell her? Please, no, I couldn't tell her, I could not…'_

Maura hid her face in her hands as if to hide before the reality.

The door opened and Angela quietly walked in. She looked like a mess, but less than Maura, who lifted her eyes to her and was immediately assured that Angela knows. Maura has never seen her like this, not ever through all the falls life prepared for her. This was the bottom.

Angela pointed to the couch next to Maura "Can I-?".

Maura just nodded.

"How are you doing sweetheart?"

Maura closed her eyes again and went in for a hug. Angela was surprised, but held Maura close – God knew they both needed it.

"I just… I have nothing to keep going for... Angela, I don't think I can do this... I can't carry on without her. This is million times worse than the lonely times before I met her. I met her and I was found and now I'm lost and nobody else will ever find me again…" Maura's voice shook with sobs. "I would do anything to trade places with her… Or to take back time and stop her from going… If I just hadn't let her go there-"

"Maura, it's not your fault, remember that. It's fault of the asshole with the gun… You would never talk Janie out of it anyway, you know how temperament she is-" Angela swallowed her tears and whispered "-was…"

"I wish that I could wake up with amnesia… I can't get the little things out of my head… Angela-" Maura pulled away and took Angela by the shoulders to ensure she looked her in the eyes.

"I loved her. Not just like a best friend. I loved her with all of my being for everything she was. And I let the chance pass…"

Angela caressed Maura's cheek. "You two always looked the happiest when you were together… I think Janie loved you too."

Maura was crying again. She curled in a fetal position on the couch. She got out between sobs "I-I don't… want to go on… I have… nothing to-to live for…".

Angela sighed "I originally came for some things for Dylan – I supposed you'd want to be alone for some time…"

At the word 'Dylan' Maura lifted herself.

"Where is she?"

"With me, she's safe-"

"I'll take her… Can-… Can I?"

"Are you sure? I can take care of her for some time more, if you want-"  
"Please."

"Okay, I'll bring her here." Angela stood up, patted Maura's shoulder and with a sad smile she was gone.

Maura instantly started cleaning all the tissues lying around the apartment and went to bathroom to fresh up a bit. She wouldn't allow herself to break down in front of Dylan. The little girl needed her. _SHE_ wanted Maura to take care of Dylan. So Maura will. As heart-breaking and hard as it will be, she has to live for her.


	6. Chapter 5

Next days were indeed very hard. Maura called to work and took two weeks off. Angela spent most of the time arranging the funeral with the help of her sons.

Maura was feeding Dylan, sitting with her at the table, thinking about one particular evening.

_After one tough case, Jane ended up at Maura's. Maura was in the kitchen, preparing a meal for them, Jane sat at the table, totally silent. _

_"__Uhm… Can I turn on the radio?" she knew they both needed distraction._

_"__Yes, go ahead."_

_Jane stood up and turned on the stereo. A slow song was playing. _

__You find it in the deepest friendship  
The kind you cherish all your life  
And when you know how much that means  
You've found that special thing  
You're flying without wings

_Maura turned to watch the expression in Jane's face, as they listened to the rest of the song. Jane looked deeply in thoughts, lifting her gaze only when the song ended. _

_"__Can I borrow your laptop?"  
"Yes, what for?"  
"I just want to listen to the whole thing." _

_Maura nodded and came back to cooking. In a few moments, there was the song playing again. _

_Suddenly Jane walked to the kitchen and took Maura by the hand. _

_"__Jane, what are you doing? My hand is dirty from cooking-"_

_"__Ssssshhh. Dance with me." Jane whispered and pulled Maura close for a slow dance. Their hips swayed to the music, their eyes were focused on the ground or closed. Maura inhaled the sweet scent of lavender and wished she could just pull Jane closer and nuzzle her neck. She could not though, they were just friends. Close friends, not friends-friends. So she let the chance pass by._

_The last sounds of the song faded and Jane pulled away. _

"Maura…". The voice of Angela torn her from her memories. "I know this will be hard for you, but… Would you please speak on Janie's funeral? I know that she would want just that…"

Maura nodded few times before she could speak again. "I will. But I want to help with the rest as well, please. I knew her really good, knew which songs she loved and what she would probably like…"  
"True… Nobody knew her as good as you did, Maura."


	7. Chapter 6

The day of the funeral came.

Maura walked into the big room with Dylan in her arms and sat into the first line, next to Angela, Frankie, Tommy and Frank Sr. Nobody talked to her, for which she was very grateful. She looked around and saw so many faces. Jane's family. Korsak, Cavanaugh, Susie and other colleagues from BPD. Few people Maura remembered from the high school reunion. And few people Jane saved. And many many more. Everybody was there to show respect and say thank you.

The first tunes of the song Maura chose (Westlife - Flying without wings) started to fill the air.

_Everybody's looking for that something  
One thing that makes it all complete  
You find it in the strangest places  
Places you never knew it could be_

Some find it in the face of their children  
Some find it in their lover's eyes  
Who can deny the joy it brings  
When you found that special thing  
You're flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning  
Some in their solitary lives  
You find it in the words of others  
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You find it in the deepest friendship  
The kind you cherish all your life  
And when you know how much that means  
You've found that special thing  
You're flying without wings

So impossible as they may seem  
You've got to fight for every dream  
'Cause who's to know  
Which one you let go  
Would have made you complete

Well, for me it's waking up beside you  
To watch the sunrise on your face  
To know that I can say I love you  
In any given time or place  
It's little things that only I know  
Those are the things that make you mine

And it's like flying without wings  
'Cause you're my special thing  
I'm flying without wings

And you're the place my life begins  
And you'll be where it ends  
I'm flying without wings  
And that's the joy you bring  
I'm flying without wings

When the last words faded, Maura handed Dylan to Angela and stood up.

She took a deep breath and walked to the stand.

"I think I'm not the only one who can say Jane Rizzoli changed their life. She raided into mine like a hurricane and turned it upside down. For the better.

Jane and I met at work and we became best friends. And I couldn't wish for a better person. I admired how she always made me laugh, how hardworking she was, how she tried to protect everybody and carry the weight of the world only with her two hands.

She was so filled with light, she lit up everything around her. She had a gift of ability to make people laugh when they didn't even want to smile. She was the rock for many of us. She just wanted to make this world a better place, safe for her loved ones.

She seeped into our lives in many roles – as an amazing and caring friend, wonderful daughter, protective sister, loving mother and great cop. And I can safely say she will be missed by everybody whose life she had touched. Thank you, Jane."

With that she left the stage and sat back next to Angela, who handed her Dylan and squeezed her hand. "That was beautiful, Maura."


	8. Chapter 7

When the funeral was over, people were walking to Rizzoli family and Maura, saying they are very sorry for the loss and to keep strong and things that made Maura think – she was usually the one on the other side, saying how sorry for somebody's loss she was. And now she realized that even if million people told you this, it wouldn't ease the pain of losing a loved one.

Next person walking to them was somebody Maura hasn't noticed in this room before. And would appreciate, if she hadn't seen him at all.

"Maura."  
"Casey…"

"Can I talk to you for a while?" They walked into the other room. Maura stood there, piercing look on her face, Dylan sitting on her hip.

"I'm very sorry about what happened… Also… I'm here to take Dylan."

"WHAT?!" Maura wondered if she had heard clearly.

"I'm here to take my daughter."

"Are you serious? You didn't care about her until now! You don't have the right! You weren't here when Jane was pregnant! You didn't massage her feet when she felt swollen! You didn't go buy her pickles and Chinese at two in the morning! You didn't talk her out of her insecurities because of her pregnant body! You weren't here when she was giving a birth to Dylan! You weren't the one who held her hand when she was in labor! You didn't wake up with her every two hours in the night to feed Dylan! You didn't help her with anything about the baby! You didn't do a damn thing! Why do you think you have the right to come here and think we will just give her to you?!" Maura was in rage.

"SHE'S MY DAUGHTER!"

"What's going on here?" Angela ran into the room with bewildered expression in her eyes.

Maura came to her and handed her Dylan. Then turned back to Casey.

"Jane asked ME to take care of Dylan, if anything ever happened." Maura said with raised voice, hands furiously gesticulating – she didn't even realize that most of those gestures seeped into her from Jane.  
"Again, I'M HER FATHER!"  
"YOU CAN SHOW IT UP YOUR ASS, I'M MORE OF HER FATHER THAN YOU HAVE BEEN!"

Angela stood there completely stunned with Dylan in her arms, just watching the situation. Maura's sudden outburst shocked her as much as Casey.

"Oh really? I don't think she would be here WITHOUT ME?!"

"Angela, can you please take Dylan away?" Maura asked calmly. Angela left with a nod.

"JANE LOVED ME, Maura. How many times have you kissed Jane? How many times have you told her you loved her?"  
"That's not a fair question, you know we were not in relationship."  
"But you wanted to, right? You wanted to steal Jane from me since the first time you met me! YOU FUCKING DYKE!"  
"I WAS TRYING TO PROTECT HER BECAUSE YOU WERE EMOTIONALLY BLACKMAILING ASSHOLE! YOU DIDN'T DESERVE HER!"  
"OH AND YOU DID?!"

"Surely more than you did." Maura said with all the supressed hate she felt for this man.

Casey's next argument was hitting Maura.

"See? That's why you don't deserve Dylan! And didn't deserve Jane!" Maura said, tears in her eyes, hand on her face in the place she's been hit. She looked at him for the last time and left the room.

"Oh Maura, what happened?" Angela quickly rushed to her with Dylan in her arms. "Did he hurt you?".

"It's okay, Angela," Maura whispered, taking Dylan to her arms again.

"Maura? What happened to your face?" Tommy asked as he appeared next to his mother.

"What are you talking about?" Maura asked.

"Is it a bruise?" Tommy stepped closer and looked carefully. "Who did that to you, Maura?" he whispered.

"Casey." Maura said very quietly, "he wants to take Dylan."  
"That son of a bitch!" Tommy cursed and strode away.

Maura looked after him, momentarily wanting to stop him from doing whatever he wanted to do, but she gave up.

She mindlessly ran her hand through Dylan's hair, eyes unfocused.

"Maura?"

"I think I will just go home already, Angela… I want to be as far from Casey as possible. Would you mind?" Maura asked softly, with exhaustion in her voice.

"Not at all." Angela knew she had to let Maura leave. It had been five days and Maura seemed like she hadn't slept or eaten since. She needed rest.

Maura nodded thank you and left the hall.


	9. Chapter 8

The next few days didn't help with Maura's coping with reality either. Her body looked more fragile, because she'd been losing weight, and there were dark circles under her eyes. She still wasn't herself.

All of her attention was on Dylan. Her routine was simple. Wake up, get dressed, dress and feed Dylan, feed Jo Friday, play with both of them, make lunch, go for a long walk in the afternoon, make a dinner, bath Dylan and herself, put Dylan to bed and cry herself to sleep.

Angela visited her daily to keep her in contact with people. She just couldn't allow Maura to shut down. She couldn't lose her too.

One evening, after Maura put Dylan to sleep, Angela waited for her at the couch.

"Would you like some wine?" Maura asked politely, already sensing an emotional conversation coming that night.

"That would be lovely."

Maura poured two glasses of white wine and put them at the coffee table in front of Angela. Then she brought the bottle from kitchen as well and placed it next to the glasses.

"What's on your mind Angela?"

"I'm worried about you. You're building walls and shutting everyone behind them… I just don't want to lose you behind those defences... Your two weeks off are due to the day after tomorrow, so I will take care of Dylan and you will go back to work, I hope? I think distraction could really help you – you know, science, being around other people…"  
"Dead people." Maura muttered and ran her finger along the wine glass.

"But alive ones too! Come on, Maura, you can't stay in this house for the rest of your life."

Maura looked into Angela's eyes._ She knew Angela was right, but her home was safe. Only the things she allowed to get to her, really got to her. No surprising stings. It was still painful, but at least a little easier than she expected the work to be._

"You're right… Thank you." Maura said in a small voice.

Angela swallowed last drops of wine in her glass, patted Maura's knee and rose to leave.

"She loved you too, you know? A lot. Even though her behaviour would sometimes indicate something else." Maura said and looked at Angela.

Angela's eyes filled with tears and she reached out with her hand, which Maura took into her own and squeezed.

"After I told you I loved her, you said she loved me too. I hope you know she loved you very much, Angela."

Angela nodded, let go of Maura's hand and with whispered "goodnight" disappeared through the door.


	10. Chapter 9

The first work day came.

Maura woke up, missing the warm arm usually wrapped around her waist, missing the even breathing next to her and missing the sleepy husky voice saying "'Morning".

She blinked back tears and went to the bathroom. Mirror showed her it was clearshe cried herself to sleep last night again. Maura sighed and washed her face with cold water. Her puffy eyes started to go back to their usual size and unpuffyness. Applying her make-up felt more like putting on a mask though, because she desperately tried to hide everything that had been going on inside.

After that she aimed to the closet. She tried to choose a dress. _I wore this one when we pretended we're gay, at Giovanni's car repair. And this one when we went to the school reunion. And this one when we ended up dancing to The Song._ There were nearly no dress that wouldn't remind Maura of her loss. When she finally picked one and put on image of "Dr. Maura Isles", she left for work.

As she started the engine, the radio in her car started playing.

_I wish that I could wake up with amnesia  
and forget about the stupid little things  
like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you  
and the memories I never can escape  
'Cause I'm not fine at all_

She immediately turned it off. Tears found their way into her eyes again. She tried to focus on the road, not letting the thoughts to destroy her so soon.

Standing in front of the BPD, she took a deep breath and tried to brace herself. She knew what would come. Pity gazes, "I'm very sorry for your loss", and people being incredibly sweet.

She stepped in and tried to get to the elevator as soon as possible, so she wouldn't have to talk with anybody. However, Sgt Korsak caught her.

"Good morning, Dr. Isles. It's good to see you back."  
Maura nodded and said silent "Thank you. Good to see you, Sgt Korsak."

It looked to her like he had something else on his mind to say to her, but she couldn't take it. She didn't let him do so.

The whole day, Maura tried to drown herself in work and avoid talking to anybody, who wasn't necessary. She didn't go to a lunch, because she always used to go with Jane and she didn't want to crumble at a restaurant.

It was difficult for her to focus, because her mind still felt foggy. She couldn't remember all the science facts so quickly and it took her a long time until she broke a case.

She was so relieved when she could stride out of the building to the safety of her home.

As soon as she opened the door, she smelled food being cooked. She found Angela at the cooker in her kitchen. Dylan sat in her high chair with a bowl of mashed carrot in front of her.

"I thought you would be hungry – I bet you didn't eat, did you?" Angela asked, worried.

"No, I didn't… Thank you for being so thoughtful, Angela." Maura offered a slight smile and sat to the plate of gnocchi Angela made. They ate together in silence.

* * *

After Maura took a bath and Angela put Dylan to sleep, both women met up at the couch with glasses of red wine.

"So, how was your first day of work?"  
"Dreadful and gruelling."  
Angela tilted her head, waiting for further explanation.

"When will everything stop reminding me of her? I see memories of her with every piece of my clothes, I hear her in every song, I see her in every place I go to, I swear I can hear her talking with me when I'm doing the autopsy… I can't focus well and… Nothing makes sense. Not even science, which always had made sense to me. Not anymore… And all the pitiful glances of people around me… I can't take it. It's still too much for me… I broke down crying when I walked to Korsak and saw her filled desk but empty chair…" Maura was shaking with sobs. "I won't stand up… Ever. She was my rock, now I lost everything and I can only crumble… I've never felt so weak, Angela…"

"Oh, Maura… You just have to give it some time… Time will mend everything. And you have us, your family. And Dylan – have you noticed how happy she gets when she sees you? We will get through this, sweetheart."

Maura lowered her head and sighed deeply. "I wish you are right."


	11. Chapter 10

The rest of the week passed in the same way, more or less. She ended up crying in the bathroom only two days, she still didn't eat and she avoided facing Jane's desk as much as possible. However, she did a good job. Just as Angela said, distraction was good for her.

Finally, the weekend came. Maura was looking forward to it so much, because she came home after eight in the evening every day that week. She missed those hours spent with Dylan, so she decided to make the weekend count. She told Angela to have a free weekend, because she had taken care of Dylan the whole week, so now it was Maura's turn.

She woke up to Dylan crying at nearly 5 in the morning. She got up from the bed and took Dylan into her arms.

"What's the matter sweetheart?" she whispered into her ears, cradling her in her arms softly.

Once Dylan calmed down, Maura laid her to the bed next to herself and fell asleep with Dylan's head on her chest.

They woke up two hours later, when the sun was letting itself into the bedroom.

Dylan's little hand clutched at Maura's silk pajamas. Maura smiled down at her.. "Goodmorning princess."

Dylan mumbled something and snuggled to Maura's chest.

"Oh come on..." Maura chuckled and lifted herself with Dylan out of the bed. They walked to the changing table, Maura laid Dylan down and changed her diaper. Then she took out from a dresser a yellow dress with a picture on a bee and put it on Dylan.

"Do you like this dress, ladybug?" Maura smiled and Dylan clapped he hands. "I take it as yes."

"I'll put you into a crib for a while, so I can get dressed too, okay ladybug?"

Maura put Dylan carefully into the crib and rushed to her closet. She picked out a dress too, with yellow-orange-white pattern. She quickly fixed her hair with hairbrush and hairspray and came back to Dylan, who was playing with a teddy bear in Red Sox jersey – the first toy Jane bought for her.

She lifted Dylan out of the crib and walked with her to the kitchen. Dylan was playing and tugging at Maura's hair and then tried to put it into her mouth.  
"No no no, you can't eat that, sweetie" Maura chuckled and took her hair out of the little girl's grasp.

Dylan stuck out her lower lip, making a sad face.

"Don't do that puppy face," Maura said desperately and put Dylan into her highchair in the kitchen.

"Let's have some cereals, what do you think?" Maura smiled across the kitchen as she was taking out two bowls – one for herself and one flower patterned for Dylan. She filled both bowls with cereal and poured in some milk. Then she grabbed two spoons and walked with the bowls to Dylan, who was already beaming.

She sat down next to Dylan and let her eat by herself. Dylan had been pushing the spoon in Jane's or Maura's hand away for more than two weeks anyway. Maura quickly put on a bib as well, because she already knew what would happen if she didn't do that.

They finished the breakfast, Maura cleaned Dylan's mouth and took her out of the highchair.

"We're going to go shopping, Dylan." She said to her, as if Dylan could understand.

Maura took her purse and carried Dylan to the stroller outside the house. She put Dylan there, locked the house and moved off to the streets of Boston.

* * *

It was nearly noon when they came back home, Maura pushing the stroller and carrying two shopping bags. She pushed the stroller into the hall and put the bags aside. She lifted Dylan from the stroller and went to put her on the on the colourful child rug in the corner of the living room. She reached for a box and took out blocks with letters on them.

"What about we build a tower, ladybug?" Maura started putting blocks on each other. When she had made a satisfying tower out of 9 blocks, Dylan reached out and started laughing as she tower fell. Maura laughed too and started building a new one. Dylan started helping her with handing her the blocks and in the end she even put them in the place by herself.

"Okay, Dylan, stay here for a minute and play, I'll just pack out the shopping bags." Maura stood up and headed to the hall for the bags and then to the kitchen. She packed the bags out, but she suddenly heard rustling, so she turned to the source – Dylan crawling on all fours towards her.

"Aww, Dylan, I told you to stay there!" Maura said with a smile. "I'll be ready in a moment."

Dylan crawled to Maura, said down with a "huff" and wrapped her tiny arms around Maura's calves. Then she tried to stand up, still holding on Maura's legs.

"Ouch! You pinched me Dylan!" Maura laughed and Dylan focused her big chocolate brown eyes on her.

"Oh ladybug, you look so much like your Ma." Maura smiled sadly and tears appeared in her eyes. She blinked several times to get rid of them. "Do you want juice?" She asked Dylan as she prepared watered juice into a sippy cup.

Dylan reached for the cup with both hands and started falling backwards. But Maura caught her before the scared look in Dylan's eyes could turn into tears.

"Careful baby girl!" Maura said as she sat Dylan on her hip again and gave her the sippy cup. Dylan grasped it into both hands and started drinking. Maura kissed her head and let out a sigh.

Maura's mobile started to ring.

"Doctor Isles."  
"Hey Maura, it's Tommy. I talked with Ma and she said you're alone with Dylan this weekend, so I wondered if you maybe wanted some company? I'm going to playground with TJ this afternoon, how 'bout that?"  
Maura shot a look at Dylan in her arms, who was peacefully sipping juice.

"That sounds great. Where and what time are we going to meet?"  
"I'll pick you up at two?"

"Okay. We're looking forward to that. Thank you Tommy."  
"No problem. See ya!"  
"Bye!"

"We're going to playground with Uncle Tommy, ladybug!" Maura said excitedly to Dylan, who responded with an eight-teeth-filled smile.

"Now, let's have some lunch before going."


	12. Chapter 11

Maura had been finishing the preparations when Tommy arrived.

"Hey Maura! Hey Dylan!" Tommy greeted both of them and immediately started helping Maura with the baby car seat and folded stroller. Maura carried Dylan and her purse, which contained among other Dylan's sippy cup, soft biscuits, toys and diapers.

Tommy opened the door for Maura to put Dylan in the car seat.

"HI AUNTIE MAURA!" TJ shouted excitedly and Maura had to smile brightly back at him.

"Hi TJ. Are you excited for the playground?"

"Yes! Hi Dylan!" He said more gently and caressed Dylan's hand.

Maura fastened the buckle and sat in the front seat next to Tommy.

"Everyone ready? Let's go!" Tommy grinned and started the car.

* * *

Maura was sitting next to Tommy on the bench, holding the stroller next to her. Dylan was happily playing with the toys Maura brought with them. TJ was climbing on the jungle gyms with his peers, Tommy watching him.

"How' you doing, Maura?" Tommy asked sincerely.

Maura sighed and thought about how to respond. "You know I can't lie… It's very difficult. I miss her more than anything else in the world. I loved her very much, Tommy."

Tommy nodded and waited for her to continue.

"But it's getting better. I'm taking just little steps, but I don't feel so destroyed all the time. I won't ever fully recover, but I know that I will live and be the person who will take care of Dylan and will make her remember her mother." Maura finished with tears in her eyes again. "How are you coping with it?"

"I… I cried many times, because it fucking hurt."  
Maura was studying his face quietly, listening.

"But just like you, I focused on my child. We will remember her."

"And TJ?" Maura remembered how sad little 4 years old boy looked at the funeral.

"It's difficult… But he stopped asking when Auntie Jane will come back… It was hard to explain what happened… He cried too, but I don't think he fully gets what happened, you know…"

Maura just nodded, looking at Dylan and sighing.

"Tommy?"

"Mhm?"

"What happened at the funeral with Casey? After that… incident of him and me?"  
"You mean after you left?"  
"I mean after you angrily walked away as soon as you found out about him wanting to take Dylan."

"Oh yeah, that…" Tommy said in tone of sudden understanding, but didn't say anything else.

"Well?"

"Well… I went to him and… We exchanged opinions. And few punches. I ended up with a black eye-"  
"Oh Tommy, no-"  
"And he got one as well. And I think I broke his nose."

"But… How did you beat him? He's a trained soldier."  
"I was in prison, Maura. You have no idea what things happen there…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"No, I get it. Then I told him that there's no way he's taking Dylan from us, because he didn't give a damn about her until then and then we were forced to stop and leave each other be."  
"That's so nice of you… I mean, you fought for Dylan even though you risked getting hurt."  
"I fought for Dylan and for you too, Maura. He hit you. Son of a bitch." Tommy muttered the curse under his breath.

Maura took his hand into hers and squeezed. "Thank you so much."

"Not at all… You're like sister to me." He bumped into her shoulder with his.

"Thank you." Maura said with a sad smile.

"You could have been my sister-in-law, right?" Tommy asked after a brief pause.  
"I could not, Tommy. You and Frankie were both like family, it would be too odd."  
"I meant Jane."

Maura turned to him, surprised look in her eyes. "Did Angela tell you?"  
"What? No, Ma didn't tell me anything. Everybody saw the way you two looked at each other. There were bets about who will do the first step and when it will be and it was about lots of bucks…"

"What?" Maura couldn't believe it. "People were betting about us starting a relationship?"

"Yeah, many people. At least twenty."  
Maura was at loss of words.

"We were wondering how neither of you could realise what we'd been seeing all the way through."

"How could we be so blind?" Maura whispered barely above a breath, more to herself than to Tommy.

"I'm sorry, Maura… I should have kept it to myself, right?"  
"No, it's okay, really." Maura said quietly, her gaze turning to Dylan, who was cuddling her teddy bear in Red Sox jersey and yawning in the cute way she always did.

"Would you mind if I went for a walk to rock Dylan to sleep?" Maura asked Tommy, already standing up.

"Not at all." Tommy shook his head and rose to his feet to go talk with other parents.

"Are you sleepy, Dylan?" Maura bent over to the stroller and prepared it for Dylan to sleep. She laid her down and caressed her from the hair to the chin, placing a small kiss on her forehead. Then they took off for a walk.


	13. Chapter 12

The next day didn't come out as nice as the day before. It was raining since the morning.

Maura woke up to sounds of Dylan's babbling. She was standing in her crib and was "saying" something to Maura.

"Goodmorning Dylan." Maura said with sleepy voice, taking Dylan into her arms. She stepped to the window and pulled away the curtains. "Look at the rain. It seems like we will spend today at home."

She stood there for a while longer, Dylan was drawing on the window with her little finger. Maura was sunk in one powerful memory.

_It was one summer Saturday. Jane stayed over at Maura's, because they had movie night the day before. _

_"__What are we gonna do today?" Jane asked Maura after the lunch._

_"__I don't know, do you want to go running?" Maura smiled._

_"__Uhm, Maura…" Jane wrapped her arm around Maura's shoulders and turned her towards the window. It was raining heavily._

_"__Oh." Maura's face dropped. _

_"__Is there something you wanted to do for some time, but didn't have a chance?" Jane asked._

_Maura thought for a moment. "Yes, actually. I've been wanting to bake Moelleux Au Chocolat for a few days."_

_"__Okay, let's bake Mole-ugh-chocolat, whatever that is." Jane grinned, enjoying parodying French, because it eased the hotness of Maura speaking that language. _

_"__Really? You don't mind?" _

_"__Really. It has chocolate in its name, it can't be something bad." Jane shrugged and walked towards the kitchen. _

_Maura chuckled and followed her. She put on her apron and tried to make Jane wear one as well, but Jane refused to take it._

_Maura did most of the actual work, but Jane helped by __following Maura's orders – handed her eggs and sugar, chopped the chocolate (and smiled innocently when Maura caught her eating it) while Maura was doing everything else. _

_"__Jane, would you please stir the caramel sauce here?" Maura handed Jane the stirring spoon and went to the oven. _

_"__Shit!" Jane cursed and Maura turned over just to see a caramel stain on Jane's T-shirt and the spoon half-way to Jane's mouth._

_"__Mmm, I see a reddish-brown stain on your T-shirt." Maura chuckled. "I told you to wear an apron." _

_"__Thank you for your input, Ms Smartypants!" Jane teased and grinned._

_"__Go change, I will finish the dessert by myself."  
"You sure?"  
"Yes, go." Maura shook her head with a smile, finished the cake and started cleaning up the kitchen._

_Jane burst into the kitchen in clean T-shirt, ran over to Maura, took her by the wrist and pulled her towards the door._

_"__Jane! Jane, what are you doing?" Maura asked, but ran after Jane, who was still pulling her by the hand and through the front door to the pavement outside. _

_It was still raining, but not that heavily, and the sun was beaming through the clouds. _

_"__Look at the rainbow!" Jane pointed her finger towards the sky._

_"__It's very beautiful, Jane, but we're going to be soaked through and through." Maura protested._

_Jane looked at her with that special gaze she had only for Maura – gaze full of devotion – and Maura melted. She stopped her protests and dedicated one last look at their still joined hands. Then she looked at the bright rainbow above them, letting the rain wash away all the doubts._

Maura didn't allow herself to let the tears fall. She pressed Dylan closer to herself and whispered to her: "What are we going to do? Maybe watch some Disney movies Grandma bought you?" she smiled at seeing Dylan excited when she heard the word "Grandma".

"Okay, ladybug." Maura put a kiss into Dylan's short dark curls and walked with her towards the closet to dress both of them. She chose comfy casual clothes – warm onesie with cute pants for Dylan and sweatpants with loose T-shirt for herself.

Maura walked to the dining room, where she put Dylan into her highchair.

"Wait a moment, sweetheart, I will make us porridge for breakfast."

It didn't take even half an hour and they were comfortably seated on the couch, watching The Little Mermaid. Maura was sure Dylan didn't understand anything of it, but the little girl was happily watching while lying on Maura's chest.


	14. Chapter 13

AN: What happened after Maura started watching The Little Mermaid with Dylan on her chest? :)

The doorbell rang and drew Maura out of the fairy tale world. She sat Dylan on her hip, paused the movie and walked to the door.

"Hello, Doctor Isles."  
"Nina? Hello. What – what can I do for you?" Maura asked politely, but couldn't hide the surprise.

"I'm sorry to barge here like that, but… You look very sad since… So I thought you might use some company?" Nina stuttered, meeting Maura's eyes only for a moment, then she dropped her gaze down.

"That's very nice of you. Please, come in." Maura smiled and stepped aside to let Nina in. "And please, call me Maura." She said as she lead the way to the living room.

"Okay, thank you. And I assume this is Dylan?" Nina smiled at the baby in Maura's arms.

"Yes, that was right assumption." Maura hated assuming, but in this case it was harmless.

"She's so cute and beautiful!" Nina exclaimed, letting Dylan grasp on her finger.

"I know." Maura smiled and looked dreamily at the little girl with dark curly hair and eyes of her mother. "Would you please hold her for a while? I'll prepare something for us. Would you like tea or coffee?" Maura asked as she handed Dylan over to Nina.

"Same as you, I don't care. But please don't prepare anything to eat because of me, I just had a breakfast." Nina said, rocking Dylan in her arms. Dylan was watching her with a nearly-toothless smile, patting with her little hand on Nina's face.

Maura walked into the kitchen and prepared them the cups of coffee. Then she brought them to the living room and set them on the coffee table. Nina followed her and sat with Dylan on her lap.

"Oh, I see you were watching The Little Mermaid!"  
"Yes. Even though Dylan understands nothing of it, she likes watching TV."

"I've always loved Ariel, she was one of my favourite Disney princesses. I used to play I'm her, singing 'Part of your world' for hours." Nina chuckled and made Maura smile. "Who was your favourite Disney princess?"

"I haven't been much into Disney fairy tales. I rather read, a lot." Maura shrugged with a sad half-smile. "Maybe that's why I enjoyed watching The Little Mermaid now."

"Oh, that's a shame! How many Disney fairy tales have you seen?" Nina said in disbelief.

"Four I think. Five with this one." Maura motioned to the TV screen.

"Which ones?" Nina smiled encouragingly and let Dylan play with her fingers.

"Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty – they were on air while I was cooking, so I turned the TV on. And then The Lion King - that was when Jane found out about me not knowing that movie. And Beauty and The Beast – we watched it together, because Jane said the Beauty reminded her of me..." Maura's voice cracked and tears appeared in her eyes, one escaping and making its way down Maura's cheek.

"I'm so sorry, Maura." Nina whispered, not knowing what to say.

"Excuse me for a minute, please." Maura said in hoarse voice as she rose up and walked quickly towards the bathroom.

Maura didn't plan to break down like this. It just happened. She crumbled down and rested her back against the bathtub. Heavy sobs broke through her throat even though she tried to remain silent.

There were flashes of memories in her head again.

_Jane half-lying next to Maura under a blanket, comfortably spread on the couch. _

_"__I think you will like it." Jane whispered when the movie started._

_And all the way through the movie Maura had a feeling that Jane was watching her. She even caught her staring at her twice. With that special gaze Maura never seen being sent towards any other person than her. _

_"__What is that Jane? Why are you watching me?" Maura's voice reflected confusion and amusement._

_"__Because you remind me of her." Jane answered with a smile._

_"__Who?" Maura shook her head slightly._

_"__Belle, the Beauty." Jane smirked and turned to face the screen again, so she missed the look full of love and emotions that Maura sent her way. She desperately wanted to return the compliment somehow, but her fairy tale knowledge wasn't broad enough to do so. _

_"__Just without the 'Happily ever after'." Maura said, knowing that the only person who could make her live 'happily ever after', be her Prince(ss) Charming, was sitting right next to her. Clueless. _

Her own words emerged from the depths of memories so easily. She remembered how much she hoped she would get the 'Happily ever after', she believed she would – having Jane next to her, even as a friend, was making her happy enough.

But now she was gone. No 'Happily ever after' anymore. And that made Maura feel the worst sting of pain again. Her heart was ripping through her chest as she sobbed on the floor.

Unsure knock on the door tore Maura out of her mind.

"Maura?" Nina had to go there, after few long minutes of Maura gone. When there was no response, Nina opened the door slowly. She walked in and sat down next to Maura.

"I'm really so sorry for what happened. Is there anything I can do?" Nina whispered, putting an arm around Maura, wanting to pull her into a hug.

"No, please." Maura slipped from Nina's embrace. "I don't like to be hugged."

Nina looked utterly confused, "But you and Jane hugged each other a l-"  
"Don't you see it?! Jane was an exception! In everything!" Maura cried out loudly, immediately ashamed of her hash reaction. "I'm sorry, it's not your fault."

Nina nodded and took a deep breath. "Do you want me to leave? Or stay to look after Dylan until you are ready? Or stay here with you?"

Maura wiped her eyes. "Where is Dylan?"  
"I put her into the playpen in the living room."

Maura nodded and sighed. "I'm sorry… I really appreciate that you came here and I would like to spend time with you, but…"  
"You're not in the right mood today. I understand." Nina patted Maura's knee and rose up. Then she held out her hand to help Maura stand up.

"Can we… Can we meet some other time?" Maura asked, not sure if she has the right to ask that after what she had just done.

"I would love that." Nina smiled reassuringly at Maura and then motioned that she'll leave. Maura nodded and walked her to the door.

"Be strong. I hope you will be okay soon." Nina said and walked towards her car.

"Thank you." Maura nodded and tried to smile, but failed. But deep down, she knew she will have to do just that.

Be strong.


	15. Chapter 14

AN: I need your opinion to help me with continuing this fic... **Could you please vote in a poll in my profile? It's quite a big deal for the characters in this story ;)** Thank you very much in advance! So please vote in the poll or write me a message or answer in review, just let me know!

Also... This chapter is going to be split into two parts, because it was too long. The first one is more cute and fluffy, the second one is sad, but I hope you will enjoy it! Thank you for nice reviews!

* * *

It had been nearly two months since Jane passed away. Her closest ones started to look composed, only a few of them crumbling at home from time to time. Distraction was helping everybody.

Angela burst into Maura's bedroom.  
"Goodmorning! Where is the honouree? Oh hello, baby, happy birthday!" Angela was radiant. She took Dylan out of the crib and the little girl greeted her with a squeal and babbling.

Maura sat up, pushed her hair out of her face and checked up the time – it was past 9am.

Angela turned towards her with Dylan in her arms. "Goodmorning Maura!" Her excitement dropped, tears appeared in her eyes and voice turned into a sad whisper. "You sleep in Jane's T-shirt?"

Maura looked down at the grey "Property of Boston Police Department" T-shirt, tightly wrapped around her upper body. She let go of a sigh and whispered an obvious answer. "Yes."

"That won't help you sweetheart." Angela pointed out. "Anything of this won't help you," she gesticulated around the room, signs of Jane's former presence nearly everywhere.

"Angela, I can't get rid of any of those things. I want... Dylan won't remember her... And I want to keep everything, to show Dylan that her mother lived and show her what kind of person her mother was. I have to do that." Maura explained, avoiding Angela's gaze.

"Thank you..." Angela whispered, repositioning Dylan on her hip. "I'm just afraid it will break you..."  
"I don't think it could be worse." Maura said in the quietest tone she could manage.

"No, Maura, look. Dylan has her first birthday today! We need to start preparing everything, the guests will come around two!" Angela encouraged her with a smile. "Freshen up, I'll take care of Dylan and prepare a breakfast. " She said as she left.

Maura rose from the bed. She took of the T-shirt and smelled it. It nearly lost everything of Jane's scent and that made her want to cry. She decided to let her tears fall in the shower, where they will get lost as well.

The people were coming early.

The first appeared Frankie. Maura opened the door and greeted him with a smile.

"Wow, you look stunning, Maura." Frankie smiled and placed a kiss on her cheek.

"Thank you." Maura smiled appreciatively and smoothed her light blue dress. Then she walked with Frankie to the living room.

He put a box with a bow on a table and walked to Dylan. Maura was so happy to see how much he loved his little niece. _He will be a great father one day. _

Maura had to open the door in a minute again – another part of the Rizzoli family came – Tommy, Lydia and TJ, who immediately ran towards Maura and hugged her legs. She took him into her arms and hugged him tightly. "Hi, TJ! You are a big boy already!" She smiled widely and looked at his cute outfit – jeans, T-shirt and a little bow tie.

"He wanted the bow tie as soon as she saw it, and he said he 'needs to wear it today'." Lydia explained with a shrug and chuckle.

"It looks beautiful, TJ." Maura said, caressed his face and with a kiss to his hair she put him down on the ground.

"Grandma!" TJ ran towards Angela, who was expecting him with her arms wide open.

Tommy walked over to his brother and started talking with him, Lydia playing with Dylan in Frankie's arms.

Maura was standing there, watching them. She thought about how much they had been her family, how much more she felt at home, loved, with them than her own distant one.

Her train of thoughts was interrupted by the bell.

Korsak and Nina were standing behind the door, each one holding a colourful box with a bow on it.

"Look who I ran into!" Korsak laughed and pointed towards Nina, who just smiled and shook her head lightly. "Hello Maura."  
"Hello Nina, hello Sgt Korsak," Maura welcomed them and let them in. She noticed Nina's worried questioning gaze and nodded with a slight smile. She was okay. Currently.

Angela was preparing last things, putting all kinds of goodies and beverages on the table.

"Tommy, would you please take pictures?" She asked her younger son as she passed him by.

"No prob, Ma." Tommy took the camera sitting on a table and started taking some pictures.

"Can I bring the cake?" Angela asked loudly and she got agreeing hum in answer.

Frankie walked to Maura, handing her Dylan. "You should help her blow the candle out."

"You can do it, Frankie, you're her uncle." Maura smiled, keeping Dylan in Frankie's embrace.

"No, Maura. YOU should do it." Frankie insisted and put Dylan in Maura's arms.

Maura smiled thankfully and kissed Dylan's temple.

Angela carried a big beautiful cake to the dinning table.

"It looks amazing, Angela, have you baked this?" Vince asked, admiring the chocolate-hazelnut cake with a candle in the middle.

"Thank you, Vince. Maura helped." She smiled in the direction of Maura, who was just whispering something to Dylan's ear.

"You're going to be one year old as soon as we blow the candle out, ladybug. Your Ma would be so happy to see you growing up like this. She loves you so much, Dylan. Even though she's not here, your Ma loves you."

Maura lifted her eyes and saw Angela looking at her. She smiled slightly, trying to overcome the tightening feeling in her throat.

"Shall we?" Angela smiled and lit up the candle.

Maura stepped closer and leaned to the cake.

Tommy prepared the camera. "Three, two, one – go!"

Maura blew the little flame out and everybody started clapping and shouting "Happy Birthday Dylan!".

They gave the gifts to Maura and Angela, who helped Dylan with opening them.

"Awww, look at these bath toys! Who gave her this?" Angela beamed, showing them to Maura.

Lydia smiled "I bought them for her. TJ always loved playing while taking a bath, so I thought it might be a good idea."

"Thank you so much, Lydia." Maura smiled as she watched Dylan playing with a little xylophone from Korsak, pushing a shape sorter from Tommy away. "Aww, these shoes look beautiful!" Maura exclaimed as she took the red hand knitted shoes out of a box.  
Angela smiled. "Do you like them? I knitted them myself in the evenings like I used to knit when I had babies…"

"They are amazing, Angela, thank you."

Angela just nodded and unwrapped a fairy tale book with a title she had never heard of.

"It's personalised child story book. Dylan is the main character there." Maura explained when she saw Angela's confusion. All the women in the room 'awww'-ed at the same time and men smirked.

Then Angela unwrapped another book and sent a questioning look Maura's way.

"No, that's not from me." Maura said and leaned towards the book to check the name. Book of Disney fairy tales. Her eyes lifted up and met Nina's.

"Now I see that Disney stories are absolutely unoriginal gift, especially coming after your fairy tale book."

"No, it's a nice gift, thank you, Nina." Maura stood up and hugged Nina.

"Thank you for all the gifts, guys!" Angela exclaimed and caressed her granddaughter, who was trying to play with all the things at once.


	16. Chapter 15

"Thank you for all the gifts, guys!" Angela exclaimed and caressed her granddaughter, who was trying to play with all the things at once.

"There's actually one else gift…" Maura said, walking back into the living room from where she secretly left a while ago. She was holding a little box wrapped in red paper and a white bow on it. She handed it to Angela, who was sitting on the ground next to Dylan. Angela took it into her hand, smiling.

"You didn't have to buy her two things, Maura, the book is great enough."  
"It's not from me… It's from her Ma. Jane bought it some time ago and planned to give it to her on her first birthday." Maura said more quietly than she normally talked, but still loud enough for everybody to hear her. The atmosphere changed instantly, each one of them could feel it.

Angela tore her eyes from Maura and blinked away the tears. She started carefully unwrapping the paper. Everybody was quiet, their eyes glued to the box. Angela took out a round silver music box with a few red flowers on it. She opened it and read the words written inside.

_"__For Dylan_

_With all of my love_

_Ma. "_

Angela turned the key several times and let the music fill the room.

Dylan stopped playing and watched the box with her brown eyes wide. Everybody else was listening, but neither of them felt the same as Maura and maybe even Dylan. Neither of them knew…

_It was one of the favourite parts of Maura's day. The evenings spent with Jane and Dylan on the couch, playing together until Dylan was yawning and Jane said she's going to put her to sleep. Maura kissed Dylan's forehead and tenderly whispered goodnight and then let Jane carry Dylan to bed. _

_Maura waited for around two minutes and tiptoed to the half-closed bedroom door. And she listened. _

_She listened to the shuffling of the sheets that meant Jane was trying to find a comfortable sitting position on the bed with Dylan in her arms. Then there was the usual humming of the song's first tones and then Jane started singing. It was a song from Lion King 2, a movie they all watched together…_

As you go through life you'll see

There is so much that we

Don't understand

And the only thing we know

Is things don't always go

The way we planned

But you'll see every day

That we'll never turn away

When it seems all your dreams come undone

We will stand by your side

Filled with hope and filled with pride

We are more than we are

We are one

If there's so much I must be

Can I still just be me

The way I am?

Can I trust in my own heart

Or am I just one part

Of some big plan?

Even those who are gone

Are with us as we go on

Your journey has only begun

Tears of pain, tears of joy

One thing nothing can destroy

Is our pride, deep inside

We are one

We are one, you and I

We are like the earth and sky

One family under the sun

All the wisdom to lead

All the courage that you need

You will find when you see

We are one

_Maura listened to the sound of Jane kissing her daughter's head and raising up to put her to the crib. At that sound Maura always tiptoed back to the living room and waited for Jane to come back and spend the rest of the evening alone together. _

_One particular evening went the same way as usual. Then Jane came back and sat down next to Maura on the couch._

_"__I heard you." Jane said, smiling mischievously. _

_Maura looked panicked._

_"__It's okay, Maura," Jane reassured her and put her hand on Maura's knee. _

_"__Why did you choose that song, Jane?" Maura asked after a moment of silence. "There are so many lullabies and you choose a song that's not even meant to be sung for children before they fall asleep."_

_ "__Because it's true – have you listened to the lyrics?"  
"Of course I have."_

_"__When we watched it I realized it's a song that… it was like the song was written to be sung for Dylan. From us." _

_"__From us?" Maura asked, confusion visible in her expression._

_Jane smiled and quietly sang a bit from the song. "_We will stand by your side, filled with hope and filled with pride_. That's us, Maura." _

_Maura smiled as they looked deeply into each other's eyes for a long time._

_"__I had a dream that she will learn to sing the Kiara's part in the song, when she's older and we could sing together…" Jane whispered and smiled with her eyes casted down._

_Maura took her hand into her own. "Can I listen the next time again?"  
"You can. And you can even come in, Mata Hari." _

_Maura tilted her head and raised her brows, impressed by Jane's knowledge of a Dutch spy – one of the most famous spies, but still. _

_"__Thank you, Jane." _

And the song was over. Maura opened her eyes and looked at Dylan. She would swear Dylan recognized the song. The little girl watched the music box and her mouth was open. Maura was biting her lower lip to stop herself from crying.

"That was a nice melody." Vince broke the silence.

"Yeah," common agreement resonated through the room.

Dylan reached for the box, but Angela didn't give it to her hands, just let her touch it.

Maura considered explaining what the melody was from and why it was so meaningful, but she didn't. She couldn't do it without crying.

Angela put the music box back in the red paper box and handed it to Maura with a whisper. "You should take care of it."

Maura nodded and left to the bedroom to put the music box on a shelf. When she came back, all the guests were seated on the couch, drinking coffee and eating cake, TJ playing with Dylan on the ground.

Maura took a deep breath to compose herself and accompanied the rest of the people.

She was determined to enjoy Dylan's first birthday.

_She wouldn't let anybody see how broken she was inside because Jane could not be there with them…_

* * *

The guests left around nine in the evening. Only Frankie stayed and helped Angela with cleaning up.

"Maura, go bath Dylan, we can clean it up here." Angela offered with a smile.

"Thank you," Maura smiled and took Dylan into her arms. "Come here ladybug, we're going to take a bath." Dylan wrapped her tiny arms around Maura's neck and laid her head on them. Maura took the bath toys from Lydia and walked to the bathroom. She turned the taps and laid Dylan down on a changing table.

After a while, they were both sitting in the bath full of warm water, Maura watching Dylan play with the bath toys, teasing her and playing with her from time to time. Maura sighed and kissed the little girl's head. "It's time to go to bed, Dylan." she whispered and they both got out of the bath. Maura changed them both into pyjamas and sat Dylan on her hip. Then they walked into the kitchen, where Angela was finishing the cleaning up with Frankie.

"Thank you very much." Maura said to both of them.

"Nah, nothing to thank for." Frankie said as he came up to her and half-hugged her. "I gotta go." He said and turned to Angela. "You need anything else, Ma?"

"I'll walk you out. Goodnight Maura, goodnight Dylan," Angela kissed Dylan's forehead and waved as she walked to the door.

"Goodnight!"

"Goodnight and thank you for everything…" Maura said and kept the smile on her lips as long as they were in the house. Then the smile dropped. "Let's get to the bed."

She locked the door and turned all the lights off. She carried half-sleeping Dylan to the bedroom and laid her on the bed, so she could close the curtains and fetch certain box. Then she climbed to the bed and laid Dylan on her chest.

Maura took Dylan's new music box out of the packaging. She waited for a while, because there was the feeling of sudden closeness to Jane, the memory of Jane's body pressed against Maura when they spooned… but then the coldness of the box gently held in her fingers slowly crept through her arm and she could feel it getting to her chest. And everything was cold again.

Maura turned the key as many times as possible and let the song play. She looked down at Dylan, whose sleepy eyes were looking at her.

"Do you remember Ma, Dylan? Ma used to sing this to you. She had the most captivating voice of all… Ma loves you Dylan. I love you too, but you have to know that Ma still loves you. So so much." Maura's voice broke as she whispered to the little girl in her arms.

Dylan fell asleep, but Maura listened until the melody faded.

"We all miss you so much, Jane. I wish you could be here…" Maura whispered before closing her eyes firmly to stop herself from crying.


	17. Chapter 16

AN: Thinking a long time into future - do you want another romantic interest for Maura? If so, should it be a man or woman? (if you have any wishes or suggestions, DROWN ME IN THEM)

* * *

Maura took personal "vacation" at work and stayed home while Dr Pike was handling her job. The celebration sank her deep down into her grief again.

Angela came over at half past noon on Wednesday, three days after the celebration.

She walked into the house after knocking with no response and found Maura in the kitchen, bent over her laptop while there was something being prepared on the cooker.

"Hello Maura."

"Jak się nazywasz? Mam na imię Maur- Oh! Hello Angela." Maura greeted, obviously startled by the woman's presence.

"What are you doing?" Angela asked, her eyebrows shooting up in confusion.

"Cooking a meal, because Dylan is going to wake up in 10 minutes."

"That's not what I meant, I meant that-" Angela pointed to the laptop.

"I'm… learning Polish."

"Polish?"

"Yes."  
"Why are you learning Polish?" Angela was asking slowly with a hint of the way you ask a little child, but Maura didn't notice.

"It's helping me."  
"You're never gonna use Polish in your whole life, why are you learning it?"  
"Because if I don't fill my brain with useless information, I start crying."

"Oh Maura… I thought you were already getting over it…" Angela whispered compassionately and went in for a hug. Maura didn't flinch and let Angela hug her.

"I was… Then the Sunday spun me into it again… I miss her so much. And I haven't even gone through her things yet…"  
"Take your time with that, sweetheart."

Maura nodded and pulled away from Angela.

"Shouldn't you be at work?" Angela suddenly asked, like she just realized what the time is.

"Dr Pike is substituting me." Maura said casually and turned to the cooker to stir the meal.

Angela sighed "Don't you think distraction-"

"No, Angela. No."

"I'm sorry…"

"No, I'm sorry, that came out too harsh." Maura sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"It's okay… So what are your plans for today? Do you want me to take Dylan and leave you some time alone?"

"I don't want to bother you-"  
"Maura Isles, you know how much I love my grandchildren!" Angela said looking scandalized, but then cracked into laughter.

"True. Just let me feed her. Where are you going to go?"  
"Probably for a walk, maybe we're gonna visit one of her uncles…"

"Tell them I said hi, if you meet them." Maura smiled from the cooker.

"I will. Can I go take a look at Dylan and bring her here?"  
"Of course you can, the food is ready in five minutes. I hope you're having lunch with us?"  
"Thanks Maura." Angela smiled and left the room.

* * *

Angela took a deep breath as she did every day before stepping into the grounds of cemetery. She pushed the stroller and walked in. Her steps were slow and quiet, as she crossed the yard to the one place she found herself at every day.

"Hello Janie. Look who I brought with me today." Angela started whispering while watering the flowers on her daughter's grave. Then she kneeled down to the grass and sighed.

"I know I say it all the time, Janie, but I love you and I miss you so so much. It's not fair you were stolen from us, from me, your brothers, from your little girl who needs you. And Maura… Oh Maura… Janie, if you saw her… She's fighting but she's still grieving as much as in the beginning. She truly loved you. I still ask myself – what if you told each other? What if that would keep you here?"

"I took Dylan with me today and left Maura some time alone. She's back at home, not going to work… She's so wrecked, Janie. I wish I could help her, fix her somehow. I'm afraid of losing her too… But she will do it, right? She will get through it, like she did in the past many times, right? I'm just afraid that she will not get through it as easily as the times before, because every time she relied on you and now… It's not that she has nobody, but she has nobody she would allow to get to her like you did…"

"And look at your precious girl, look how big she already is. She will know everything about you, Janie, I promise. We talked about it with Maura and she too wants to tell her and show her everything. You are still in our hearts, Jane. We miss you so much. I love you babygirl…" Angela whispered and her voice broke.

* * *

Maura cleaned the kitchen. She had time for herself now. She didn't think long about what she was going to do.

Her steps carried her to the bedroom. She crossed the room and opened the wardrobe on the right – the one that has been closed for over two months.

Maura took a deep breath. Inhaled the scent that wafted out of the wardrobe. It was _her_. Jane's clothes still smelled like her.

Maura stood closer and wanted to drown in the smell. She lightly brushed her fingers across the clothes hung there. Her hand stopped on one old T-shirt. Grey, thousand times worn 'Property of Boston Police Department' T-shirt. Her fingers clutched the material and tears spilled across her cheeks.

With one swift move, Maura's shirt was on the bed and she put on Jane's T-shirt. Little tight, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered except for the fact that this was Jane's.

Maura came back to the wardrobe. Her eyes wandered over all the clothes there – all the T-shirts, button-up shirts, jackets, pants, and one pair of jeans, three dresses, one skirt, working-out clothes and underwear.

She didn't know what will happen with the clothes, but she was sure that she won't throw them out. She didn't care if Dylan wears them when she's older or if they will stay in the closet forever.

She has looked into this particular closet for the second time since Jane moved in. She respected Jane's privacy and went through it only once, when she was helping Jane with packing to the maternity hospital. However, this was the first time she was alone.

_"__I just don't know what to take with me, I'm tired and I can't even reach to half of the shelves because of this!" Jane half-whined exasperatedly, motioning to her large stomach with both hands._

_"__I understand that it might be uncomfortable, Jane, but you're in your last trimester, the baby is approximately 5.5 pounds, so it's natural that your uterus is outstretched this much."_

_Jane just rolled her eyes and laid herself on the bed. _

_"__I made a research…" Maura said quietly, opened her drawer and pulled out two papers._

_"__What's that?" Jane asked, her eyebrow shooting up._

_"__That's a recommended list of things you should pack into your maternity bag."_

_Maura looked at Jane and waited for a sarcastic comment that didn't come. _

_"__So, first there is your birth plan and maternity notes. Wh-"_

_"__In my drawer." Jane said, staring to the ceiling. Maura took the documents and put them next to Jane on the bed. _

_"__Dressing gown. There. Slippers and socks, there." Maura was counting and putting the items quickly next to Jane. _

_" '__Old nightdress or T-shirt__to wear in labour. It will probably get a bit messy, so don't buy anything specially to wear in hospital.' "_

_"__There's a big ol' dark blue T-shirt behind my other T-shirts?" _

_"__Appropriate." Maura nodded when she finally found it. "Shirt – it probably would be better to have a shirt, because you can open it in the front and breastfeed easily. Which one do you want to pack?"  
"Maur', really? There are like two shirts that fit me!" Jane's exasperation mixed with despair. _

_"__Blue or grey?"  
"Blue."  
"There." Maura folded it on the bed. "Uhm…"_

_"__Uhm? What's the matter?"_

_"__You also need nursing bras, and 'Old or cheap knickers, or disposable knickers.' They say that they will get messy, so-"_

_"__Oh darn, I wanted to wear my black lace thongs!" Jane smirked and Maura cracked into laughter. "Will you gimme a hand please? I'll pack the underwear myself."_

_Maura took the outstretched hand and pulled Jane up._

_"__I will fetch you the toiletries in the meantime. I have a bag already prepared for you in the bathroom, let me get it." _

_Jane watched Maura go away and had to smile. No matter how miserable she felt and how snapping she was, Maura never gave up on her. That was one of the things Jane loved the most about her. Loyalty. _

_"__Here you go." Maura started talking as soon as she stepped into the room. "Shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant – you may sweat more after the birth. New toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, lip balm, hair bands, breast pads and maternity pads. I also packed you an eye mask and earplugs, because it might be difficult to sleep in a brightly lit, noisy room. Oh and here are two towels." _

_"__Thank you, Maura." Jane said, smiling. Then she put the bras and knickers on the bed and sighed._

_"__Now, for your baby. Two or three sleepsuits and vests. Do you still want to take the ones you showed me?" Maura asked gently._

_"__Yes, please." _

_"__There you go. Baby blanket. Nappies. Muslin squares. Two pairs of socks. Hat." Maura was counting and filling the bed with everything she read. "I will bring you the rest when I come for visit."_

_"__What does 'the rest' mean?" _

_"__Going-home outfit for both you and Dylan, the baby car seat, maybe magazines or books to help you pass the time."_

_Jane was staring lovingly at Maura, her head tilted, her lips forming into a smile. _

_"__What would I do without you…" Jane whispered and shook her head. _

_Maura smiled and walked towards Jane and hugged her from the side, because she couldn't reach her properly from the front as the belly came between them. _

_Jane wrapped her arms around Maura and smiled into her hair. _

_She really had no idea what she would do without her Maura. _


	18. Chapter 17

"We are home!" Angela shouted when she walked into the house.

Maura ran down the stairs to meet them.

"Hi Maura," Angela smiled, but her smile dropped when she saw the smudged mascara under Maura's eyes. She had cried and even though she looked happy right then, she clearly wasn't.

"Hi! Did you have fun?" Maura asked, took Dylan out of the stroller and hugged her tight.

"Can I stay and have a tea maybe?" Angela asked instead of answering Maura's question.

"Of course -"  
"Would you mind if I made the tea? You can go change Dylan in the meantime and then we can talk." Angela smiled encouragingly and Maura did what she suggested.

Maura changed Dylan to her home clothes and walked to the living room, where Angela had already been sitting with two mugs of tea and some cookies.

Maura sat on the couch, Dylan sitting in her lap, Angela by her side.

"So… Where did you go?" Maura asked with a polite smile, not knowing what to do with the tension between them.

"We visited Jane-".

Maura's eyes went wide.

"We went to the cemetery."

There was a silence after that.

"I've been going there every day since the funeral… It helps to have something… material. Some place you know she… she rests. Have you been there?" Angela tried to explain her thoughts, but the heavy topic made her pause a few times to compose herself.

Maura just shook her head and tightened her arms around Dylan, who was eating a cookie she took from a plate on the table.

"Maybe you could try it… We could go together. Or you can go alone, or with Dylan, however you want." Angela offered and then sighed. "I remember visiting your grave with Jane, when you two fell apart… It was heart-breaking… I mean, the cemetery itself, plus the fact that they all just believed you're dead… And Jane being miserable, kneeling there, slumped... There weren't many things she regretted doing, but this was among the things she regretted the most."

Maura was watching her in silence for a long time. Then she said "I'm going to visit her."

"Do you want me to go with you, when you go?"  
"No, I need you to take care of Dylan, since there's nobody else around to do it." Maura said as she rose up to her feet and handed Dylan over to Angela.

"Wait, you're going now?! It's getting dark, Maura, please! Go tomorrow…" Angela's voice was laced with worry.

Maura stood there, contemplating the situation, when Angela jumped into her thoughts again. "Please just don't go alone in the dark to a cemetery…"  
"I don't believe in ghosts, Angela-"  
"I'm not afraid that a zombie will eat your delicate brain, I'm afraid of potential killers and rapists for God's sake!"

Maura's expression saddened and she casted her eyes down. "You're right," she said quietly and sat back on the couch, taking the mug into her hands.

"So, what did you do while we were gone? Did you take a nap?" Angela tried to break the silence and move on from the topic of cemetery.

"I went through Jane's clothes… I decided to start checking all the things that are stored here."

"Good idea. Have you found something interesting?"

"No, not yet, just clothes." Maura said and thought about the other places with Jane's belongings that she will go through – all the wardrobes and drawers and nightstand…

Angela just nodded and finished her mug of tea. "And are you okay?"

Maura tilted her head and half-smiled. Then she added a shrug and said "I'm fighting with it. She taught me to be a fighter."

Angela's eyes filled with tears and she rose up to hug Maura. Little Dylan, the never-complaining hug lover, was between them, snuggling to Angela's chest. Maura wrapped one her arm around Angela and with one hand caressed Dylan's black curly hair.

Then they sat back down on the couch and fell silent for a while.

"Ma," Dylan said and outstretched her tiny arms towards Maura.

Maura's eyes widened and her mouth opened. It was too much of a shock.

"I-I'm not 'Ma', Dylan, I'm Auntie Maura. Auntie." Maura reached for her phone, unlocked it and showed Dylan her wallpaper photo. "This is Ma."

Angela looked at the screen. It was a picture of Jane turning over her shoulder, a big sincere smile on her face.

_Jane put Dylan on the couch and let her rest her back against the cushions. Jane then kneeled in front of her and put her arms along her daughter's legs. Then she started making funny faces and each one of them earned a cute wave of laughter from Dylan. _

_Maura heard the laughter and came quietly to the living room to take a look. She stopped and watched them laughing together, then she took out a phone and snatched a photo of them in the middle of laughter. _

_Jane heard the phone click, so she turned around and smiled widely at Maura, who took another picture right away. And it became her favourite one. Right away. _

"Ma," Dylan pointed towards Maura again and Maura took the tiny finger and pointed at the picture on her phone. "This is Ma."

"Maura?" Angela jumped in.

"Hm?" Maura lifted her eyes full of worry to meet Angela's.

"Did you say you're Auntie Maura?"

"Yes, I had agreed with Jane on that." Maura said, her hand with mobile falling to her lap.

"Don't you think you should be called differently? I mean, now you are going to raise her. I don't want you to take Jane's place and I know you don't want that either, but I think you deserve to be called Mommy."

"I appreciate that very much Angela, but it wouldn't be fair… Jane wanted me to be Auntie and being called Mommy now, without her agreement, would be… insensitive? What more, people might think it indicates some kind of deeper relationship of me and Jane that was not here… I think I should be Auntie, just as Jane wanted."  
"Jane also wanted to stay alive… I think she would want you to be called Mommy. After all, she wanted YOU to take care of Dylan if anything ever happened to her. Please, Maura, be Mommy."

Maura was silent, watching Dylan sucking a sleeve of her onesie.

"I'm sure the whole family will agree, if that's what bothers you…" Angela added, her gaze not leaving Maura for a second.

"Are you sure?"

"Definitely. Are you going to be Mommy then?" Angela smiled encouragingly.

"Yes." Maura smiled and nodded.

"YES!" Angela jumped up with Dylan and hugged Maura with one arm, holding Dylan with the other one. Maura laughed and wrapped her arms around Angela, then they both pulled away.

"Dylan, this is Mommy. Mommy." Angela pointed towards Maura, who was smiling widely despite the tears in her eyes.

Maura showed the picture of Jane to Dylan and said "This is Ma. This is your Ma, Dylan. Ma."

"Ma!" Dylan squeaked and pointed towards the phone screen.

"Right!" Both Angela and Maura smiled at each other, each one seemingly lost in thoughts. This was a big step. Not only their little girl said her first word, but Maura was taken as her mother now.

_If only Jane could be there…_


	19. Chapter 18

Maura woke up to a morning full of grey and clouds. She shifted in the bed and stared in the ceiling.

She was going to visit Jane's grave today.

For the first time.

_What is going to change? Will it make things better or worse? Should I prepare what to say? What should I wear? Something casual or something elegant and classy? What should I bring? Just flowers? Or something else? Should I ask Angela to come with me? Should I take Dylan with me? Should I just go alone in case I break down?_

Her head started to ache, so she pressed her eyelids together tightly. She tried to stop herself from hyperventilating, but the situation was already too stressing for her to do so. Her short sharp breaths sounded through the darkened bedroom. Their loudness crept into Dylan's crib and the little girl rolled over, opening her big dark brown eyes and focusing them on Maura.

Maura knew that people were always sure of their child being miraculous, even though that most of them were not. However, she couldn't help it and found Dylan very special. The little girl, instead of starting to cry as normal babies do in this kind of situation, started talking to Maura in her baby speech. It was incoherent and didn't make sense, but the emotion and the colour of the sound made Maura understand. Dylan was trying to soothe her. To comfort her. She was babbling in a low voice, every now and then some of her "words" gained a tinge of encouragement.

Maura's breathing evened and she rose up on her forearms to look at Dylan, who was now standing in the crib holding onto its edge, not stopping her speech.

Maura smiled at the little girl. "Thank you, Dylan. I feel better now."

Dylan reciprocated the smile, just made it wider. And Maura really did feel better.

_Now tell me the child isn't miraculous_, she thought to herself as she rose up from the bed and took Dylan out of the crib.

"Good morning, sweetheart," Maura greeted her with a kiss on her forehead. Dylan placed her little hand on Maura's cheek and looked into her eyes mischievously. _That was the moment Maura knew Dylan is coming with her to visit her Ma. _

Maura was pushing the stroller on the morning quiet path to the cemetery. There was silence, just the traffic sounding from afar. Even Maura's steps were careful and quiet, sometimes her skirt rustled a bit or Dylan hummed something under her breath.

It was quiet outside, but Maura's mind was a loud tornado of thoughts. The questions from the earlier morning remained unanswered – well, most of them. She already decided to wear a blouse, skirt and high heels. She didn't prepare what to say. And she decided to accept whatever was coming to her, because there was no any other way to deal with it. At least it didn't seem like it.

Finally Maura stepped into the field of cemetery. It should feel like calm place, but it didn't. It awoke irrational thoughts in Maura's mind and she tried hard to shake them off.

Every step of the way felt like a tighter squeeze of her heart.

And there it was.

_Was this really everything that represented Jane's life here? A piece of stone with her name on it?_

Maura wasn't sure how this could help Angela, but she decided to try it anyway. _What can I lose after all?_

She placed the stroller in front of the grave and took out the flowers she bought on their way there.

"Hello Jane." Maura tried to see how it feels. "I brought you some flowers – isn't it ironic? I wanted to do that so many times since we had met, but I never had enough courage. Just now, after I lost you…" She swallowed her tears – _she will not cry, not yet_ – and put the flowers on the cold stone.

"I miss you, Jane. I will never get over you. You pulled me out of my shell and I'm falling back into it… And I'm regretting every little chance I didn't take. I used to think 'This is not the right time' every evening spent together, but now I realize that it was the perfect time. I even had prepared my 'confession', what I would tell you. I changed bits of it every day to get rid of the pathetic and desperateness in my speech… Can I say it to you now?"

Maura took a deep breath and sat down delicately on the cold stone. She looked at Dylan, who was sitting in the stroller, playing with her Red Sox teddy bear from Jane.

"I've been meaning to tell you something, Jane. I can't hold it in anymore. I love you. I've been in love with you for a long time and I was afraid to say it, I was afraid of losing you, our friendship and everything with it that kept me alive. But I was reminded every time that there is no point it putting it off and every time you ended up in a hospital, the fear was driving me mad and I was sure I will tell you as soon as you wake up. But then you woke up and I lost all of the courage again. I'm not going to let it keep me away now. I love you. There were days when I was sure you felt it too, but soon after that you ended up in arms of some men who didn't deserve you and who just screw you over. And I was there every time to help you mend your broken heart. At least as a friend, because that had to be enough."

"And in the perfect world, you would stop me right there and tell me you loved me too. Your mother says you did love me too. So many people say so. Why did so many people see what we couldn't?"

Maura fell silent and stared into space. The only thing she could hear was her heart stably beating and her breath. She felt numb and cold, the only warm thing were two paths on her cheeks left behind the tears.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. _She didn't come to just cry here._

"Jane, your daughter is a little miracle. She keeps me going. She helps me to keep going. Just like this morning – I had a tough time and she stood up in her crib and spoke comfortingly in her baby speech to calm me down. And she said 'Ma' yesterday! Oh Jane, if you could be there. At first she thought I am the 'Ma', but I showed her the picture of you and I will teach her that YOU are Ma. I promise I will never let her forget you, Jane. But… Angela wanted me to be Mommy. I… Is it okay? I wanted to be Auntie Maura as we agreed, but you know your mother, she wouldn't let me just refuse it… I think I will talk with her about that a little more…" Maura sighed and lost herself in her thoughts again.

"Ma-" Dylan outstretched her tiny arms out of the stroller.

"I think Dylan wants to tell me it's time to go… We will come back, Jane. I miss you. We all do." Maura still refused to say goodbye. Now it seemed like letting go and Maura certainly wasn't about to do that.

_Not now, not ever._


	20. Chapter 19

AN: I loved writing this chapter. The topic was difficult, but I hope I handled it right. Thanks to Vean for inspiring me in her message!

Maura came home to Angela sitting on the couch.

"Hi Angela?"  
"Hello Maura, where have you been?" Angela shot up to her feet.

"We visited the cemetery."

"Oh – and how did it go? Did it help?" Angela walked towards them and took Dylan out of the stroller. "Hi sweetheart!"

"I'm not sure. Kind of. It was a bit upsetting to see that the only reminder of her existence is a piece of stone and nothing else, but it felt relieving to have something to talk to, unlike at home, you know what I mean?" Maura walked with Angela to the kitchen, making them both tea.  
"Totally." Angela nodded. "Would you mind if I took Dylan to Tommy this afternoon? Or do you want to come along?"

"I would rather stay home and go through another part of Jane's things, if it's okay? I will go with you another time." Maura smiled apologetically, but she knew that she would be no use as a company today. Not after the morning cemetery monologue.

"'Kay," Angela smiled and casted her eyes down on Dylan in her arms. "We're going to see Uncle Tommy and TJ!"

Dylan squealed, rather because Angela's excitement was contagious than because she understood what Angela was saying.

Maura smirked and shook her head a bit.

_When Dylan got excited, her dark curls were shaking and falling out of place – it painfully reminded Maura of Jane. Every time. _

Maura found herself wearing her favourite Jane's T-shirt again.

She was going to look into Jane's cabinet in their bedroom. As far as Maura knew, Jane stored anything there – random stuff going from old school photos to gifts.

Maura opened the cabinet and looked at the shelves. There were boxes with signs like "BASEBALL", where Jane kept her gear for this sport. "PHOTOS" from her birth, through school years to adulthood, containing golden pictures like 'Embarrassing Naked Toddler', 'The Monobrow Freshman', 'The Awkwardest Prom Couple' or 'The Slut – no, not a Halloween', as Jane named them when she showed them to Maura. "MOVIES" was simply a box full of Jane's DVDs that couldn't be stored anywhere else. "GIFTS" was a box full of things she got on her birthdays and Christmas, things she couldn't throw away. Then there was a box named "DOCUMENTS" full of forms or employment contracts.

The first box Maura took out was the one with documents. She put it on the bed and sat next to it. She took out every paper set, reading what it was about – there were mostly contracts about her apartment or work and old schools reports. However, one thing surprised Maura.

She found Jane's last will.

She knew that Jane said she will rather leave custody to her Ma than to Casey. She also knew Jane asked her to take care of Dylan if anything happened. But Maura didn't know that Jane wrote it in her last will.

'If, at my death, I have my child under age 18, I nominate my mother, Angela Rizzoli, and Dr Maura Isles to serve as the legal guardians of such a child.'

"Oh my God," Maura whispered to herself, putting her hand over her mouth. There was even an adoption form prepared for her. She sat there stunned for several minutes, until she was interrupted with a bell ringing.

She rose up, took a deep breath and wiped the tears that showed up in her eyes. She looked at the clock. It was far too early for Angela to be back home, she basically just left.

Curiosity spread through her as she made her way to the front door. The bell rang again, the person behind the door obviously impatient.

Maura opened the door and got appalled. She grasped the door handle tightly, holding onto it to keep herself on the ground.

"What are you doing here?" she asked coldly.

"Did you really think the whole thing would be over if you let Jane's brothers fight with me? Did you really think I would let people like those take care of my daughter?!" Casey suddenly stopped and his gaze studied Maura. "You're wearing her T-shirt." He stated nearly without emotion, just a hint of disgust could be felt in his voice. Only then Maura realized that she indeed was and it wasn't the best choice of clothing for argument with Casey.

"I am. What do you want?" Maura said, letting go of the door handle, crossing her arms over her chest instead.

"Won't you at least let me in?" Casey asked accusingly, trying to make her feel bad about him having to ask such a thing.

"No, I would prefer not to do so. **What** do you want?" Maura asked again, not at all unsettled.

"I talked to my lawyer. He said that if my name is in the birth certificate and Jane's last will doesn't say otherwise, Dylan is mine."

"And have you seen either of those documents, may I ask?" Maura asked sweetly, knowing that she won, but kept revealing her victory for later.

"No, but if Jane didn't include me in the birth certificate or crossed me out of the will, she would have told me. She **loved me**, you know." Casey said with overweening tone and he hit Maura's most vulnerable spot.

His words stung Maura and woke up the insecurities. She knew she was going to win this fight, but she already felt like she had lost. He was right. Jane did love him. She had told Maura herself even though she had never told Casey. However, Jane also said she had dated him because it had been easier in many ways. And everybody thought Jane was in love with Maura anyway.

Maura was standing there, looking into nothingness, molding her thoughts over and over, and Casey was enjoying his little victory. _It would be easy now, like stepping on ant. She was vulnerable. _He gave her some more time in silence and then coughed.

"So I meant, let's see you at the court then."

"What?!" Maura snapped, completely in awe.

"You're not going to give me my daughter just like that, are you?"

"She is NOT your daughter! I have told you – you didn't care, you don't deserve her. You didn't deserve any of it – not Dylan, not even Jane!" Maura burst out with anger. Then she calmed down and massaged the bridge of her nose with three fingers. "And court is unnecessary."

"Have you suddenly grown wiser?" He smirked, shaking his head.

"For your information, Jane didn't include your name in Dylan's birth certificate, so you're not legitimately her father. And about Jane's last will – you're not there either. You haven't been in Dylan's life and that is not going to change. Have a nice day." she said and closed the door in front of his gaping face. She had to smile victoriously and aimed back to the bedroom.

She had a form to fill.


End file.
